Five Ways to Recover from Shame and Inadequacy
I've struggled with feeling inadequate for as long as I can remember. Whether it was from failing to meet my mothers' expectations of who her daughter should be, or failing to meet society's expectations of what it means to be a woman who has it all together. It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when I decided I was unworthy. But once I did, my life became a reflection of that lie. I believed that there was no way that I could be loved and accepted for who I was. I convinced myself that I would need to change entirely, and when that happened, I would be worthy of the love and acceptance I desired.
The problem with that theory, something that never occurred to me, is how difficult it would be to reinvent myself one hundred percent. Would that even be possible? Hint: it's not, and more importantly, it was completely unnecessary. But where would I begin? The vision I had of my ideal self, the smarter, more successful, more attractive, happier person, seemed unattainable. And unpacking the shame-spiral that followed as a result of feeling inadequate would be easier said than done. Eventually, I realized that I needed to focus on why I thought I needed to reinvent myself to feel worthy.
Psychotherapist Robert J Furey, Ph.D., explains in his book You are good enough (Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy: "that people with low self-esteem often believe that to be accepted, loved, and appreciated, they will have to reinvent themselves completely. Small changes, they conclude, are not enough. What you need to do seems far beyond what you are capable of doing." So, what would happen if you reexamined this belief? What if instead of trying to change one hundred percent, you aimed for ten or twenty percent?
You're closer to your ideal self than you think
Furey suggests starting "by accepting the majority of you so that you don't set yourself up for failure. Remember, you feel you're not good enough because the image you carry of the person you believe you have to be is not at all like the image you have of yourself. Although there is always room for growth, your goals should be real yet flexible. Is that Ideal image a form of perfection that can never be attained? And even if you achieve this goal, would you be happy with your life?" And what about who you are now? Furey asks, "Who else sees you this way" Could you be wrong?" Once you start to ask yourself those questions, the healing can truly begin.
The five basics of recovery
Hope
Hope is believing in the possibilities of the unknown. "Your future starts to brighten when you accept the full range of what is possible," says Furey. "Consider the possibility that your life can be more than it is now, that it could contain more love, more happiness, more hope than it has. Give yourself permission and practice visualizing a future with hopeful images. What do you see? What do you feel? The possibilities are endless."
Human Contact
Your recovery will include other people. "Whether it's a doctor, counselor, support group, or friend, you will need to get comfortable with asking for help," suggests Furey. I know this is easier said than done, considering we're still in a global pandemic. If possible, try to find ways to safely connect with people you trust who care about you and will listen.
Tell your story
Shame works best when it's thriving in the darkness. What is hidden must be shared. What is feared must be faced. With respect to your boundaries, of course. "You are entitled to privacy, and how you tell your story and with whom you will share it must be weighed carefully," says Furey. You can practice on your own by journaling about your life, drawing pictures, or writing a poem. Read your words aloud or speak them into a voice memo.
Own the pain
"Your story must lead you into the present. If it remains stuck in the past, then it is not a living, vibrant, or accurate account of your life. People who feel inadequate are caught in the hurts and humiliations that keep them from entering the now," says Furey. You can learn from the past, but don't let it define you. "Feeling inadequate is uncomfortable. If you can acknowledge your feelings and still manage to accept yourself, healing has begun."
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness means letting go of shaming experiences. You may have decided that you are incapable of forgiveness. This is one of the tragic choices shame makes for you," says Furey. "Once shame takes your power to forgive, it robs you of your ability to heal." Start by forgiving yourself first. Doing so makes it easier to forgive others. As time goes on, you'll notice that those memories won't command as much energy as they once did.
Feeling shame & inadequacy is painful, but you can recover. Change doesn't happen overnight, be gentle with yourself. Honor your past, live in the present, and hope for the future.
Written by Angela Bracey- Clinical Mental Health Counseling Intern